A Very Mega Man Christmas!
by L. Adam Bell
Summary: Dr. Light throws a Christmas party for the cast of Mega Man and Megaman X. Funny, funny stuff I wrote in about thirty minutes after an eggnog binge. Read! Review! Laugh! Cry! Pee your pants!


A Very Mega Man Christmas!  
  
12.3.2001  
  
By blackhart  
  
(Disclaimer: I do not own Mega Man or any of its spinoffs, so don't sue me, Capcom! Also, please try your best not to squeal with glee once you finish this thing [or bang your head against a steel doorframe]...it was the product of a 7 long seconds of brainstorming, much alcohol consumption, and a large session of prayer, begging God not to strike me down for this. Continue on and see what three cartons of slightly-over-the-expiration-date eggnog'll do to ya.)  
  
Dr. Light: Hey, everybody, come on in. Time for the party to start!  
  
Roll: Been cleanin' the lab all &(*^% day...and now we have to have guests that will RUIN my sterile living quarters?!??!?!?  
  
Protoman: Calm down, sis...all is peace, all is calm...  
  
Roll: (grabs a laser pistol and aims it at her brother) ...DON'T...TEMPT...ME...  
  
Protoman: Riiiiiiiiiiight...I'll just...check the hors d'ouveres... (Leaves quickly)  
  
Auto: I'll be here to get the door, guys.  
  
(Dr. Wily plows through the roof with his spaceship.)  
  
Wily: (opens hatch) I TOLD you to take the right turn at Albuquerque, Forte!!!  
  
Forte (from below Wily): Um...Doc, actually, YOU planned that map...  
  
Wily: (mutters) I'm a roboticist, not a cartographer...  
  
Light: You know, as long as you're both here, you might as well join us for the party...we've got plenty of chips and dip.  
  
Roll: You're letting THEM in HERE?!?!? They'll RUIN my beautiful house!!! They've already destroyed the ceiling!!!!  
  
(Light stares at Roll.)  
  
Right...sorry, Doc. Just wanted to keep things tidy...  
  
Light: You're excused, Roll. Go take care of the snacks in the kitchen, will you?  
  
(Roll exits. A white light splits down the center of the room, and X and Zero step out. The crack in the time continuum shifts, turning up and shaking itself, and Sigma and Dr. Light's capsule pop out as well, then the portal burps and closes.)  
  
Light: Very good, guys. Right on time.  
  
X: It's not like it was THAT hard, Doc. Y'know...you can be as punctual as you want when there's a time machine involved.  
  
Zero: Ah, well...he thought we were responsible for a half-second. Sorry Sigma came...  
  
(Sigma has left X and Zero and is now looking around for food, oblivious to their conversation about him.)  
  
...But he made us. Something about killing me again if we didn't...Didn't have the heart to tell him I can be brought back easier than bell bottoms...  
  
Light: ...And you brought my holographic capsule?  
  
X: Yeah...he wanted to come too, for some odd reason.  
  
Holo-Light: I wanted to shake your hand personally, Doctor...I figured it would be really weird to do something like that...  
  
Light: ...as well as permanently destroying parts of the time-space continuum...  
  
Holo-Light: ... ... ...Oh, just gimme your hand! (Reaches out to shake hands with Light)  
  
Light: (extends his hand) Okay...  
  
(Holo-Light's hand passes through Dr. Light's. He tries to grab again, but it doesn't help. Holo-Light pouts and folds his arms.)  
  
Holo-Light: I guess this means no snacks, huh?  
  
(Everyone nods.)  
  
Well, nut-bunnies.  
  
Light: Is that everyone?  
  
Roll (from the kitchen): Duo's still missing!  
  
Mega Man: He said he couldn't be here. Something about being modeled for some grey character in Megaman X6...  
  
(Everyone laughs as Heat Man blasts through a wall, followed closely by Guts Man, Snake Man, Pharaoh Man, Gravity Man, Knight Man, Cloud Man, Sword Man, and Tengu Man.)  
  
Roll: FOOLS!!! THOU HAST AWAKENED THE SLEEPING WRATH OF ROLL THE HOUSEKEEPING DROID!!! THOU HAST DESTROYED MY FLOWERY WALLPAPER AND WONDERFULLY GERM-FREE WALLS!!!! I SHALL SMITE THEE ALL WITH A POWER SO GREAT, NOT EVEN THE UNIVERSE'S MIGHTIEST WARRIORS STAND A CHANCE AGAINST ITS CONTROL!!!  
  
(She calms down for a half-second and fumbles around with her arm for a minute. When she's done, she has the vacuum-cleaner attachment on. She hits the switch on it, and tries to suck up Snake Man into it, al; the while screaming "Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!!!!", but it explodes in a quiet cloud of black smoke as everyone tries to contain their giggling. Roll stomps off in a snit, going to...I dunno, powder her face or something.)  
  
Heat Man: Doctor Wily?! Where are you?  
  
Wily: Here, you nerd.  
  
Guts Man: We were beginning to worry about you, Doctor--we thought you'd been captured when your ship's blip suddenly disappeared off our radar screens...and I think we were right!  
  
Tengu Man (floating in the air, points to X and Zero): Who're these clowns?  
  
Knight Man: Dunno...looks like Rock and Blues decided to grow up, finally!  
  
X: Zero, care to correct them?  
  
Zero (smiles): Gladly, buddy. (Fires a charged shot at the group of Robot Masters, destroying all of them quickly)  
  
Wily: You...you...destroyed my robots, you girly red pretty boy!  
  
(Zero lowers his cannon at Wily.)  
  
Zero: Care to take that back?  
  
(X jumps in, lowers Zero's arm cannon.)  
  
X: I think it's best if you don't do that....HERE...IN THE PAST...  
  
Zero: How come?  
  
X: Oh, no reason. (Casts a classic "Captain Obvious" glance at Wily)  
  
(Zero shrugs and walks to Dr. Light's holo-capsule.)  
  
Zero: I don't suppose you could tell me anything about my creator? I keep visualizing this old professor with...a bald head...and tufts of grey hair on the sides...and a lab coat...  
  
(Everyone except for Zero and Holo-Light stare at Dr. Wily.)  
  
Holo-Light: Not a clue. I don't suppose you know any way for me to get solid?  
  
Zero: Not the foggiest.  
  
Holo-Light (frowning): Sir Crapsalot.  
  
(Roll walks in with trays of delectable goodies for the partygoers.)  
  
Roll: Here, everyone! Fresh delectable goodies for the partygoers!  
  
X: You know there ain't nothin' I love more than delectable goodies!  
  
Protoman (coming out of the [NO, NOT THE CLOSET] kitchen): Delectable goodies sure are great!  
  
Zero: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!?!?!?!? STOP SAYING 'DELECTABLE GOODIES'! THE AUTHOR JUST USED IT AS A GIGGLE PHRASE!!!  
  
Mega Man: We happen to LIKE delectable goodies, girly-man!  
  
Zero: Oh, that's it...you'll be a real smart-$%^ with my saber stuck in your groin, girly-boy! Oh wait, that's right...your voice doesn't get any higher than that!  
  
(Somehow, the supposed fight ends before it starts, for whatever reason. [It's tough to think up things like sequence of events when there's three pints of just-spoiled egg-substitute beverage in your gullet, believe you me... But I have that power, for I am...THE FANFIC AUTHOR!!! Tremble, mortals! Tremble!!])  
  
***  
  
(Everyone's had a good deal to eat, and Protoman steps out of the kitchen with a six-pack.)  
  
Protoman: Who wants a cold one?  
  
Mega Man: Not that we'd be over the legal drinking age...  
  
X: Not that it matters... (Eagerly grabs for the beer)  
  
(From out of nowhere, the white slit of time and space splits open again. Before anyone can react, Dr. Cain dashes out, grabs the six-pack from Blues, catches the beer that Protoman had tossed to X, and disappears back into the portal without a word.)  
  
Protoman: Well...that was...weird...  
  
***  
  
Forte: I still want to kill Mega Man...but I can't seem to work up the nerve against all this bloody jolliness...  
  
Wily: You'll get your chance again soon, Forte.  
  
Forte: What? What do you mean?  
  
Wily: I've got this plan, see... I'll dress up as Santa Claus and send eight new robots after Rock, see, and then he'll think Santa's really evil...  
  
Forte: (interrupts) Just stop. Now. That's the gayest thing I've ever heard in my life...and I've read bad yaoi fanfic...  
  
(Everyone looks at him. There is silence.)  
  
...By accident!...  
  
***  
  
Roll: Um, X...Zero... (She gets their attention, and points above them, where a sprig of mistletoe is hung.)  
  
(Everyone is silent for a moment, then:)  
  
X and Zero: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK WE'RE GAY?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!?  
  
Sigma: Well, there was that one time in X5 you two seemed awfully close...  
  
(Zero slices Sigma up forty-seven times in a quarter of a second. Sheathing the blade again, he looks around the room.)  
  
Zero: Anyone ELSE have any comments from the peanut gallery?  
  
(Mumbling is heard from Wily and Forte, then giggling, and Zero darts over.)  
  
What's so %^&^*$^ funny?!  
  
Forte (nervously): You tell him, Doc.  
  
(Zero turns to Wily, his saber at his throat.)  
  
Wily: Well, um, we were just...we...  
  
(X comes back in and lowers Zero's arm.)  
  
X: Again, NOT a good idea, Zero.  
  
Zero: As good as any. Now spill it, Wily.  
  
Wily: We were--we just--Iris...  
  
(Zero's eyes widen.)  
  
Zero: Iris?! Where?  
  
Iris (from beyond the grave): Stupid pansy. I'm dead. Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead.  
  
(Turns quickly to see behind him. Fortunately, Wily ducks his head fast enough so as not to be hit by Zero's saber, which moves with him as he turns. Forte, on the other hand...not so lucky.)  
  
Forte: (in a very high voice) And just how, Mr. Fanfic Author, does him swinging his saber around HORIZONTALLY explain the sudden and sharp stinging in my general pelvic area?  
  
(Author smiles. "I just did it 'cause I always wanted people to see how scary you were without your 'bothood. All you can do now is hold one hand to your privates and slap at us with the other, as you hurl various insults at us. Now however, those insults have become too high for us to hear, leaving us to wonder if dogs could somehow translate the ultrasonic speech for us.")  
  
Forte: Nice answer. Five lines' worth.  
  
***  
  
(Wily is seen talking with Pharaoh Man's remains.)  
  
Wily: I had no idea...I see why you were so offended by the party now...  
  
Pharaoh: Yeah...Mom brought me up in a Jewish house...so we celebrated Hanukkah ever since I could remember...and when I stepped in here, right after Heat Man blew that wall open, I was really edgy about all these decorations... I mean, I don't see one stinkin' menorah anywhere...  
  
Wily: So...wait a second...you mean your weapon in MM4...  
  
Pharaoh Man: Yeah. Exactly what you're thinking.  
  
Wily: So it was really supposed to be "Mahtza-ball Shot"... Interesting...  
  
***  
  
Protoman: Cake, anyone?  
  
(He rolls out a huge Christmas cake with a bouquet of poinsettias drawn on it in icing.)  
  
X: Sure! I want a flower!  
  
Zero: So do I!  
  
(Everyone looks at them.)  
  
X: What? Everyone knows the best part of an iced cake is the flowers!  
  
(Silence, but Protoman cuts X a piece with flowers on it, and one for Zero as well.)  
  
Protoman: By the way, I think Roll's still brooding in her room...but I think Forte could lure her out...  
  
Forte: What? Me?  
  
Protoman: Yeah, you. Go get her, will ya?  
  
Forte (grumbles): Okay...  
  
(He walks to Roll's room and taps on the door.)  
  
Roll? It's Forte. C'mon out, everyone's getting some of the cake.  
  
Roll (from inside the room): Forte?... Do they hate me?  
  
Forte: Well, there are these few Roll-bashing websites...  
  
Roll: What?  
  
Forte: Nothing...do you want some cake or not?  
  
Roll: Wait...just a second.  
  
Forte: Whatever.  
  
(About ten seconds later, Roll comes to the door, opens it, and leaps into Forte's arms in a short red dress.)  
  
Roll: You like it?  
  
Forte: Uh...guess so.  
  
Roll: I bought it just for you!  
  
Forte: Uh...sure ya did. Here, let's go get some cake... (He drops her.)  
  
Roll: OOF! Hmm...Forte's gonna be a tough nut to crack, so to speak...  
  
(She charges him as he enters the party room again, walking under the doorframe that has the mistletoe hanging from it.)  
  
Okay, Roll...it's now or never!  
  
(She rushes up and grabs Forte around the neck. He, surprised, can't seem to get her off of him, but instead, slings her wildly all around the room. She refuses to let go. Forte slaps many in the head or helmet, as the case may be, then finally manages to sling Roll off. She flies into Holo- Light's capsule, causing it to tip over as Forte falls to the floor under the mistletoe. Mega Man sees the capsule tipping toward him and does the only thing he thinks he can to avoid the thing: he trips forward onto Forte, their lips mere inches away from...)  
  
OKAY. EVEN I WOULDN'T THAT CRUEL TO FORTE, OR TO YOU. POOR ROBOT. POOR READER. POOR ME. POOR LITTLE MISGUIDED WORLD FOR LETTING ME WRITE THIS.  
  
ANYWAY, MERRY FRICKIN' CHRISTMAS FROM BLACKHART AND ABACUS FICTION! HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR PRESENTS!  
  
Auto: (sobs) And I didn't even get to open the door... (sniffs) 


End file.
